Returning to My Own Voice

Meeting an earlier self

Adapted from Andrew’s original emails of 12 August, 14 September and 17 September 2020. The older correspondence is preserved separately in this manuscript.

In 2020 I began digging out old recordings: DVDs, radio work and live workshops. Some had been sitting on my computer for years. Much of the teaching came from before 2009 and had never been heard by anyone beyond the people who had attended at the time.

I had never particularly liked watching or listening to myself. Going through those recordings became unexpectedly emotional. I listened to a workshop from 2009 and was shocked by what I heard. I knew I had done the work, of course, but I had almost forgotten what I had been able to do.

In September I wrote to a friend that I had been in tears while listening. I did not think I could improve on some of those talks, even eleven years later. His support and encouragement had helped me begin again.

The years before that had been very difficult. I had become withdrawn and had lost confidence. Looking back at the person who could stand up and speak so freely was not a simple exercise in nostalgia. It brought me into contact with a part of myself I had struggled to reach.

Editing helped. It brought me back into practical, creative work. I could do something with the material: listen, organise it and make it available. The old work became a starting point for new writing and podcasts.

Inner Worlds was already the name I wanted to continue. I imagined a website that could act as a hub, with room for contributing authors. It was not meant to be only about me. I wanted the knowledge and experience to be shared, while keeping the practical demands manageable.

There was a book in that plan too. In September 2020 I wrote that I was beginning to write again, with a future book and narrated podcasts in mind. This book has a longer history than its latest set of files might suggest.

My understanding had also changed. I described a continuing awareness watching the ordinary self, while being conscious of both aspects. Then came the awkward question: who was watching the other two? Some experiences are easier to recognise inwardly than to explain in a tidy sentence.

The practical road back

I compared that difficulty with trying to tell your teenage self what adult life is like. You can explain work, parenthood, responsibilities and commitments, but some understanding only comes through living them. Spiritual language has a similar difficulty. The explanation can point towards an experience without replacing it.

Being open again was a considerable step for me. I said so in the letter. The recordings, the friendships and the work of editing gave me a way to return to my own voice, one piece at a time.

Adapted from Andrew’s original email of 2 April 2021. This is edited book prose; the complete recovered author text follows in the source archive.

I was about four when I began having the experiences I later called astral projection. I remember the first time as if it were yesterday. They continued until I was around thirty-five, although over time I found it easier to make the movement with awareness itself. My way of describing it was to jump out with the mind.

There were other things too. Three-dimensional geometric shapes appeared in my bedroom. I remember figures dressed in black standing and looking at me. They showed no emotion and never spoke. These belong to my earliest memories of the inner life, long before I had the vocabulary I would eventually use to discuss them.

I started meditating at thirteen. At seventeen there was a moment in which everything seemed to change. I opened my mouth and said, ‘I have arrived.’ Then, at twenty-four, came a calling I could not ignore. I pulled up in the car and a well-known lady was standing there. It felt as though the meeting had been arranged.

I put my life into learning. I began at a Spiritualist church because, locally, that was the opportunity available to me. I took the training I could find, including residential workshops, and eventually began teaching. I studied widely rather than following one particular path.

People sometimes assume that someone who can stand in front of an audience must be outgoing in ordinary life. I have often been quiet and reluctant to put myself forward. Being asked is different. Get me onto my subject and I can talk for a week. Make that a month. Taking a large group around a castle rather limits the opportunities for hiding in the corner.

My work took me into mediumship, paranormal investigations, live talks, filming, radio and television. I also worked behind the camera. Filming, lighting, sound, editing, writing and graphics all became part of what I did. The practical and the spiritual sides of my life were never as far apart as they might look.

A voice that had not vanished

One evening at an AGM in Aylesbury I found I could see, feel and describe what was present. I had not done that particular kind of work before. By the end of the evening I had a contract. It led to years of travelling and filming. Another production followed, although that series was not taken up for broadcast.

I worked without scripts or prompts. That was also how I approached the development and awakening DVD filmed at Shepperton Studios: speaking from memory and from the heart. Years later I looked back at that work and almost wondered where that version of Andrew had gone.

There were difficult experiences around public work as well. Harassment reached my home and affected my then wife. I walked away. Personal circumstances from 2013 onwards hit me very hard, and much of what had once seemed important fell away. The healing and inner work took time.

The experiences themselves continued. I described ET-like presences appearing as something like holographic projections within the mind, sometimes clearer than ordinary eyesight. One appeared close enough that looking into its eyes made me jump. I also described portals in my bedroom, one with hieroglyphs around it, and a view into a sandy place with a robed man.

By 2021 I spoke of remembering about twenty-five past lives, some in considerable detail and others much less clearly. Meditation often felt more like a journey. At other times there were flashes of light, brilliant orbs, geometric forms and a sense of life extending far beyond the familiar physical scene.

Some experiences had a force I found hard to convey. I wrote about torrents that left me trembling for days and sensations like a bucket of ice water. One vision of the geometry of our being moved me to tears because it seemed so beautiful. These were not simply interesting ideas to discuss. They were events with an immediate physical and emotional effect.

I had spent years training for mediumship and stage work, including work with Donna Stewart and an occasion with Tony Stockwell. Eventually I realised that a specific professional goal was not the whole point for me. The deeper thread was development and awakening: learning who I was.

In that 2021 letter I called myself a man of two worlds. I also wrote that the further I moved forwards, the more I realised how little I knew. Both statements still belong together in the story. There was a great deal I had experienced, and a great deal I was still trying to understand.